Chapter 1 – Bacon and Eggs.
The corpse had been methodically drained of all it’s blood, and all of it’s veins and arteries had been pumped full of the hot and sticky cum of wild gophers, but these where no ordinary gophers, they where diabetic gophers. Someone had been feeding these little fuckers sugar, and they had done a damn good job of it too.
Surrounding the corpse where hundreds of pieces of neatly folded paper. Each and every piece had been inscribed with sorrowful messages, the messages seemed to be a set of wishes made to the corpse on behalf of orphaned children. Some of them expressed their desire for having real parents, while other simply wished for candy or toys.
The room the corpse was in had been decorated in a traditional feng shui style, this resulted in the room having a good mix of balance and harmony, allowing the chi to flow freely.
When confronted with such a sight, any normal man would panic. A normal man might vomit or pass out, he may even scream and try to run away, but not me, not now, not when so many where depending on me. In my line of work you have to learn to deal with your fears and anxieties, you have to confront them head on and keep pushing, never slowing down, never looking back. There was work to be done, I knew what I had to do.
Acting swiftly I reached for the phone, and I dialled up customer support to complain and try to get some answers. I was greeted by an automated message, who asked me to push certain numbers on my phone for certain services. “For account management press one, for billing press two, for all other services please hold the line” said the message. For a moment I breathed a sigh of relief, it looked like my problems would soon be over, and so, I held the line.
None of the countless horrors I had ever witnessed in my life, could have possibly prepared me for the torment and anguish that was about to come to pass. Never, even in my darkest nightmares, had I ever envisioned such a macabre and diabolical thing. Believe me, nothing on land or the seven seas can ever prepare a man, for an ordeal like the one that was now facing me.
Like the glowing eyes of wild animals in the dark, the horrible truth gazed in to my soul. For you see, the ugly truth was that I had just been connected to a Pakistani woman who did not speak English properly. She was hard to understand, and her vocabulary was poorly lacking. How could I ever explain to her the dilemma of the corpse, when she did not even know what the word corpse meant, much less what “full of sticky diabetic gopher cum” means.
I did not read more than a sentence and I’m sure nobody else will.